Having Doubts Before Your Wedding Is A Good Sign…Here’s Why
I was recently shown a quote by Adam Levine, the Maroon 5 vocalist. I spent my teens listening to Maroon 5, and they helped me through some dark days at school. I always said when I was younger that I wanted to marry Adam Levine.
So, perhaps with a bit of glee, my friend showed me a pretty dismal quote by Adam Levine about marriage:
“If you don’t get married, you can’t get divorced,” said Mr. Levine. So far, not so cool. He was already undoing all the youthful romantic illusions I had of him. “Why couldn’t we learn from the devastatingly low percentage of successful marriages that our last generation went through?”
It was a pretty miserable view, not just of marriage, but of life itself. After all, most startups fail, so why bother trying in the first place? Most of us will never win the lotto, so why do we bother buying our ticket? Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because we want to dream?
Charlie Sheen also had something to say about marriage, and in his typically Mr. Sheen way, he managed to remind me why I’ve never particularly liked him.
“I’m 0 for 3 with marriage – the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.”
You do have to wonder why we even bother getting married, what will have the anxieties and doubts that come with it! We should just have a marriage of the heart with 2 other women and a man like Charlie Sheen. Right …
Okay, a lot of people nowadays do see marriage in a similar way to Adam Levine. And perhaps one or two look at marriage like Charlie Sheen does. But, for whatever reason, we keep on getting married. We keep dreaming of the fairytale with the castle and the huge gown. We dream of everlasting love and a life-long romance.
Despite these dreams and aspirations, we still have fears and doubts.
After all, you’d surely have to hide yourself away throughout your engagement to have no doubts whatsoever, right??
The worst thing is, if you believe a man like Charlie Sheen, we shouldn’t have these doubts and we definitely shouldn’t talk about them. Because, let’s face it, all we’re doing is contaminating a “union” anyway! Is it really worth it?!
Let me tell you something: It’s perfectly okay to have doubts before your wedding. It’s a good sign. It’s a sign that you’re normal. It’s a sign that you’re passionately in love. It’s a sign that you want this. And it’s a sign that you take your decision very seriously, not lightly.
The problem is that the people with the loud voices, such as Mr. Sheen, like to shout the loudest. And so we’re made to feel inferior if we admit that we’re feeling insecure or even terrified about our wedding. If we ever dare to speak up about these feelings, we’re going to be quickly shut down. Not just by others, but also by ourselves.
I mean, doesn’t doubt equal don’t?!
In our culture, we’ve been conditioned to believe that perfectly healthy fears about the biggest commitment we’ll ever make are dramatic signs that we’re making a big mistake.
But this is just plain wrong!
Fears and doubts are natural. Repressing them, whether consciously or subconsciously, is actually kinda poisonous.
Every woman who ever gets married has pre-wedding doubts. A good friend of mine came to me with hers; she was terribly afflicted. She was nervous, anxious, fearful, doubtful. She wasn’t sure that she was making the right move. All throughout the relationship, she had been so sure. But as soon as the wedding date was set, her heart started to race, and she began to question whether this commitment is the one she really wanted. Could she hold to it ‘till death do they part?
There are websites and online communities crammed with women who are experiencing the same feelings as you. My friend joined one of them and it helped her a great deal. One major lesson she learned was that anxiety – of any kind – “is a doorway into wholeness.”
What this means was that giving her pre-wedding anxiety airspace allowed her to confront it, challenge it, explain it – and heal it.
Had she kept it bottled up as so many women do, it would have lain dormant for weeks, months, years, until eventually it would explode.
It’s good to get these anxieties and doubts out in the open. It’s good to talk about them. We all know and love our men. We know we want to spend the rest of our lives with them. We know we want to tend to them when they’re sick, to be there for them, to raise kids with them.
But it doesn’t mean that we can’t still get freaked out about marriage.
Think about it: Getting married means giving up your identity as a single, free woman for the rest of your life.
Moreover, as Adam Levine pointed out, people do get divorced. Divorces are messy and nobody wants to go through them. They’re painful, upsetting, and they leave scars. They’re a telling sign that your marriage failed. You just wouldn’t be normal if worries about divorce didn’t unsettle you in the run-up to your marriage.
At the end of the day, The Big Day is supposed to be perfect. And so we grab hold of all our emotions, fears and doubts, and stuff them away for another day. We put on a mask, wear something borrowed, something blue, and get on with it.
But weddings can be suffocating. They can take it out of you. It’s okay to talk about your fears and doubts.
Nobody – and I mean nobody – should be dismissed if they have a few anxieties and doubts. Sure, these are “ugly” emotions that have “no place on a picture perfect wedding day.” But they’re real, and they’re just all part of the process. Think of them as a pitstop on the long journey to the altar. Embrace them. Don’t push them aside.