10 Funny New Years Resolutions To Make You Laugh
It’s soon to be a new year, which means another you. Yep, this year you’re going to lose weight, move house, get a new job, get married, have twins and move to Hawaii. It will definitely be better than last year, where your proudest achievement was unscrewing a very tight jar of mustard.
But hey! That’s what the new year is for – making stunning resolutions.
We’ve all made a resolution in the past. One time, I resolved to lose weight. By the end of the year, I’d put on more weight than I could ever have imagined so that the following new years’ resolution was simply to stop eating cake.
Five years later, I no longer eat cake.
Yay! I win!
Look, new years resolutions are hard to stick to. We all like to make grand statements, but how many of us actually keep our word? Very few, I wager.
Most of us just hope that five days after making the resolution everyone was too drunk to even remember that we’d made one.
And when someone does get in touch to ask how the resolution is going, we have no other option but to ghost them.
New years resolutions, then, can be funny. But have you heard about the resolutions that really are truly funny? Yup, there are some truly bonkers resolutions that people have come up with down the years. If you fancy a giggle, here are 10 of the funniest new years resolutions to make you laugh. Some are real, some are just jokes – I’ll let you figure out which!
“I’ll tell a different story at parties this year.”
We’ve all got that one friend whose life is so uninteresting that they’ve only got one anecdote which they tell at every single party.
I’m not being funny, but I had a friend like that once. Eventually, it got to the point where we had to stage-manage something to happen to her so that she had a new story to tell.
This is a funny resolution which, ironically, makes those boring one-story people kinda hilarious for a moment.
And wouldn’t this make a great story: “One year, I made a resolution to stop telling the same story at parties …”
“To eat less bacon.”
I’m picturing a rampant bacon addict, with strips of bacon dangling out of his greasy lips, declaring “I NEED TO EAT LESS BACON IN 2017.”
What is it about bacon that people can’t give it up? It’s not that good. Is it?
I have a friend who says she’d love to be a vegetarian, but she simply can’t give up bacon.
This new years’ resolution would be great for her.
“To save water, I will take less showers.”
Right, okay, eco-warrior. You’re going to save the planet all by yourself by taking less showers.
I’m pretty sure that their resolution next year will be to wear more deodorant.
As hare-brained as this one sounds, it’s yet another new years resolution that is true.
Let’s just hope your partner doesn’t come up with this one. If they do, RIP.
“I’m not going to worry about my past – I’m going to worry about the future instead.”
Okay, you’ve got us – this one is a joke.
It’s kinda funny, though. A person spends their whole year worrying about their past and reliving it, and FINALLY says that they will no longer do that.
There is relief all around. People are happy for them. They are finally moving forward with their life.
But what do you know – they’re going to worry about their future instead!
If you’re a constant worrier like me, this resolution probably rings true.
“I will stop getting angry when someone tags me in an ugly picture on Facebook.”
Yes, we’ve all been tagged in hideous pictures on Facebook.
We’ve all got that one friend who clearly revels in snapping us in bad lighting on a night out before uploading it almost instantly before tagging us, knowing full well that we’re too drunk to remove it for at least another ten hours.
“I will stop eating chocolates.”
You’ll give up chocolate and I’ll become the President.
I seriously don’t know why people come up with this resolution. You just know that when they pop round to visit you and see your box of chocolates, they’re either going to crumble and admit defeat, or they’re going to steal the box of chocolates when you’re not looking and make up some story about how a man with a beard came in and robbed you before fleeing to Mexico with the chocolates.
“Password will be my new username and Username will be my password.”
Why? To thwart hackers, of course!
You know what those pesky hackers are like. They’re always trying to break into our system. As such, we have to stay one step ahead of the game.
And the best way to do that is to outsmart them by switching our username to Password, and our password to Username.
Yep. Definitely NOT getting hacked in 2017.
“I’ll stop taking selfies with unsuspecting old people.”
Yes, it sounds funny. But you should probably stop doing it. Try geese instead.
“Experiment with being a bisexual for a year.”
I’ll level with you: This is a resolution I saw on twitter. Upon closer inspection, it looked as though the guy was being serious.
“My bisexual friend seems happy,” he said. “It could be a laugh.”
Being a bisexual isn’t meant to “be a laugh.” You’re either bisexual or you’re not. And if you’re not, ‘experimenting’ with it ‘for a year’ could be a very damaging experience.
“Not to get murdered.”
What? Because last year you GOT murdered?
Look, we all want to live a long time. Few of us actually want to die in 2017.
And surely even less of us want to get murdered in 2017.
So not wanting to get murdered is simply a given – why turn it into a resolution?
Well, I suppose it’s kinda funny if you post it onto Facebook.